Nats watched in horror as the Giant Richard Simmons squat-thrusted a swath of carnage across Off-Central Park. At his sadistic worst even the Red Watchman hadn’t been so disgusting.
“Where’d that thing come from anyway?” Jackie Rabbit, the Lupine Liberator, asked.
“DK says Thighmaster had it stored in a downtown warehouse, but let it loose to make room for some new inventory,” Goldeneyed answered, unable to look away from the spectacle that was a Hinder of Mass Destruction.
“The Dark Knight is here?” Jackie’s carrot-enhanced senses hadn’t spied him.
“Naw, he refuses to get involved against a foe so goofy,” CrazySugarFreakBoy! shook his head, “Doesn’t he remember that the original Dark Knight used to go up against villains with giant props all the time back in the Silver Age?! Curse you Frank Miller, for taking the whimsy out of the Batman Family!” the avid comics lover shook his fist at no one in particular.
“Right. We need to end this,” Dancer took charge, “Anybody got a plan?”
“Yo is thinking of a plan that will stop uncute Giant Robot Richard Simmons and make a larger point about the human condition.”
CSFB! grinned, “Those are the best kind.”
A quick conference later and Goldeneyed was teleporting to and from the Safe with their secret weapon.
“Hey you!” Enormous Irma shouted over the catchy rhythms of “Miami Sound Machine’s” Conga, “Knock it off!”
The robot’s programming targeted in on the adipose villain, “Come on now, missy, let’s work up a sweat!”
“Let’s not. Some of us are happy with our body type, and don’t need to flounce around in unflattering shorts in a pathetic attempt to make ourselves ‘better.’”
“B-B-But-” Giant Richard Simmons protested.
“In fact,” Irma grinned, “I think I’m going to buy myself a fried Twinkee and loaf in front of the TV.”
The robot’s logic circuits could not assimilate the rubenesque woman’s sense of her body image with its own programming. This would activate a self-destruct sequence installed in every quirky mechanical creation since that episode of Star Trek with Harry Mudd (the second one, with the hot androids).
Fortunately for Visionary, Jackie Rabbit remembered he was still stuck in Giant Richard Simmons’s headband and leapt to free him before the robot’s head exploded.
“How do you feel Vizh,” the heroine asked.
Queasy from the robot’s gyrations, the increasingly likely fake man clutched his stomach, “Like I’ve lost five pounds. The hard way.”
> Part 4 is, logically, down at the bottom beneath parts 1-3. In summary, john Ontheway has won the Paradopolis Lottery and bought his dream cafe, but has been denied happiness by invading alien slugs, something purple grown from protoplasmic slime (I suppose it could be Wang, he usually shows up around #3 of these things), and an incursion of Chad and Ronnie. Now read on...
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> Part 1 by Spaztic Chyld
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> The streets of Parodopolis were teaming with people to see the JBH return from their latest intergallactic battle. This was one that was not such a secret, as the challenge for them to fight had been announced world-wide by a bloodthirsty race of Giant Killer Slugs! Apparently, the JBH was responsible for the destruction of one of their more noble scientists who'd been exploring earth. They attacked him in an alley and salted him! Even Gunthar and Indiana Gnome were atop the roof of their newly claimed lair, the Tolling Tower of All Souls, to watch the return of the JBH.
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> As their pirated ship landed, everyone swarmed to hear the good news. With the city so distracted from everything else, it was no wonder that no one noticed a small ship come into the city from the opposite hemisphere, crash landing behind the "The Local Cafe", a new place opened up by John Ontheway, the latest winner of the Parodopolis lotto. Little did John know what his life long dream would produce!
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> The ship, which only measured about a meter in length, opened up and a purply ooze slipped out from the interior. Sliding along the ground, it made it's way to the dumpster behind The Local Cafe. The purple ooze disolved the wheels of the dumpster and picked it up, tossing the contents into the alleyway, then gently returning the dumpster to it's place of origin.
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> The purple ooze slid over the heap of trash from the cafe and found a "New Technologies Monthly" magazine. It sucked the magazine up into it's body and disolved it. The ooze began to blink bright colors and flash a little. A piece of the blob shot off and riccocheted off the dumpster and began to bubble and pop. Suddenly, it took the shape of a human male. The larger oozing blob made grinding noises, as if metal was being torn. Then, with an ear piercing shriek, the larger blob turned into a state of the art, futuristic vehicle straight from the pages of "New Technologies Monthly"!
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> Part 2 by AG
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> “So in closing I want it on record what we said to the Gooloops or as they are known here, “Giant Killer Slugs”, that it was not us who salted their scientist but in fact someone else. We were in the Micro Place at the time.” Jackie Rabbit explains.
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> A reporter raises a hand. Jackie nods to her. She begins, “Yes, Tiffany Bezelbuam, WKFART. So if it wasn’t the JBH, then who did it?”
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> “We’re not sure Miss Bezelbuam, but we’ll be sure to get right to the bottom of this.”
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> “Guy Donor, GNN. Where did Amazing Guy and the rest of the JBH go in such a hurry?”
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> “There was a horde of attacking rabid Polar Bears in Toronto so they went to take care of it. I’ve been left behind to deal with anything that might crop up here.”
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> “Florence Capachino, POX News. Does that include the giant Richard Simmons that’s heading this way?”
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> “What giant Richard Simmons..”
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> COME ON YOU LITTLE PEOPLE! LET ME SQUASH YOU! WE’RE SQUASHING TO THE OLDIES!” the giant Richard Simmons yells while exercising in Off Center Park.
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> “Uh, gotta go!” Jackie says while springing into the air then bouncing twenty feet at a time until she reaches the park.
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> Once there she sees Goldeneyed, Dancer, Yo, CrazySurgarFreakBoy! and Nats trying to avoid the giant annoying super star.
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> “Need some help guys?” Jackie asks.
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> “Sure!” G-Eyed says, “That big freak has Visionary stuck in his headband!”
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> “HEEEEELLLPPP!” Vish screams.
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> A building across the street, the man who was recently purple ooze fiddles with his futuristic vehicle. He knows it’s almost time.
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> To be continued?
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> By L!
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> The Local Cafe
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> Parodipolis
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> a new place opened up by John Ontheway.
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> John ever since he was as a child, he one day dreamed to be a Baseball player. But in 8th grade, he found that he sucked at all sports. Broken hearted by this fact, John fell into a deep depression. It lasted until his juinor year of High School when he got a got at the Bean & Donut in downtown Parodipolis. He found that he did not suck at this. He loved to wash dishes, Clean tables & the whole experiance of being in the Food industry. He did this for about 5 years.
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> So, on his first time ever buying a lotto ticket. He won & left the Bean & Donut to open his own place.
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> John never really having much imagination, he called his Cafe the Local Cafe. Becuase, One, it's a cafe & two, it's local. John was happier then a Stalker sniffing there Idols' underwear. Giving that John knew little to nothing about running a bussiness, He opened the Local Cafe on July 15th, 2003. He had 10 customers that day. They were he only customers for the week.
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> Sitting in a corner, sat two men. One looks a slightly disheveled. He is wearing a flannel shirt; it not buttoned up or tucked in. From under the flannel shirt, one could see he is wearing a dark grey t-shirt with the words 'Inflatable Monkey' on it & the picture of a monkey-like balloon on it. He is also wearing a pair of jeans & blue Converse High Tops. His dark brown hair looks not to have combed in awhile. He has light sky blue eyes and he wears a well-used pair of horned rimmed glasses. He is carrying an Accordian. His name is Chadwick L. Swiss; to his friends he is Chad.
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> The man standing to his right follows a theme, red & yellow. He has a big red possible Afro with a yellow comb stuck in it. He is wearing a yellow trench coat; the pockets are filled with jellybeans. He is wearing a yellow shirt & red denim jeans. Also, he has yellow striped socks & red oversized shoes on. He wears glasses are too big for his head. He has a blue jellybean up one nostril & a purple jellybean up the other one. Asleep on his shoulder is his hamster friend, Little Cat. After he is finished with the jellybeans in his nose, he takes them out & feeds them to Little Cat. Then, restocks his nostrils with two more jellybeans from his pockets. His Name is Ronald Arnold Gerrimoto Beeslyhuxtoy; to his friends he is Ronnie.
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> They were drinking some Hot Chocolate.
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> To be Continued ?
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> Part Four:
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> "It's karma, I'm afraid," the plumber explained as he tried to unjam the toilet at the back of The Local Cafe. "Karma."
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> "I thought it was toilet roll. And maybe place mats," admitted John Ontheway. "Those two nasty tearaways, why I oughtta have..."
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> "I mean you won the Lottery. There had to be a downside. Fate doesn't hand out freebies."
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> The pround proprietor looked worried. "What do you mean? There'll be more giant slug aliens and... stuff? We had enough problems with that purple guy screaming about hundred-page-long Fin Fang Foom stories."
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> "I mean what you've got here," the plumber explained, "is a nexus. Probaly - hopefully - just a temporary one. You know, a weirdness nexus. It'll attract all kinds of stuff. While it lasts."
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> "A... a weirdness nexus. That explains that guy sitting there talking to his pants."
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> "No, that's just ManMan and Knifey."
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> "Then it explains that grungy subhuman creature lurking by the juke box swearing."
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> "No, that's dull thud."
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> "Then what? What's next?"
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> The plumber shrugged. "If I was you'd I'd think about hiring some short-term help. Someone who can cope with this kind of stuff."
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> "Who? Who can do that? A superhero?"
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> "Do I look like I should know?" the plumber asked. He dropped a wad of toilet-blocking gunge into John's pleading outstretched hands. "My bill's in the post," he called over his shoulder. "Make the cheque out to Xander the Improbable."
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